Number Eleven
Janie,
Where do I even begin. Five seconds ago, I felt like the loneliest person alive, and now I have so many engagements and friends in town and many more upcoming events that need to be planned, there’s hardly time to breathe! It seems as soon as we settled in the “country” I’ve been making multiple trips back to the city, and beyond, for various outings. One of them was particularly nice - my cousin Chloe had an extra ticket and invited me to see Phantogram at The Pageant. Before the show, we stopped for a drink on the rooftop bar at the Moonrise hotel. It was beautiful. We sat under towering stalks of bright red flowers and the giant rotating moon replica. The city glowed gold and pink just East of us, mirroring the sunset in the West that resembled something like molten lava oozing out from behind very dark blue clouds. I was really able to take in the moment. Maybe my double gin and tonic had something to do with that. But it was a very peaceful time. It was nice to have the opportunity to catch up with Chloe since we don’t get to chat very often. Usually about the more absurd angles on politics and whether or not the moon landing happened or if Kanye West isn’t as crazy as people think. Things that aren’t so important but fun to wonder about. Then there was Molly’s bachelorette party - a weekend at Innsbrook. I finally hopped on a paddle board for the first time in my life. And I was able to get some kayaking in too! It was a tricky situation leaving the girls behind. I ended up have to drive back home twice, once at 4am (an hour and twenty minutes each way) because Olga was refusing to take a bottle. She’s never done that before and I still can’t figure out what the issue is. Even though I still had a great time at the party, my mind couldn’t leave the problems at home.
And I found my thoughts taking a very nasty and selfish turn. I quickly had to remind myself that my kids are the number one priority. Always. I was starting to feel sorry for myself for missing out on some of the activities but obviously my kids need me more than I need to drink to excess in a bougie cabin on the lake. I couldn’t begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel just writing that down. But it’s something I can work on. But aside from that, I was at the party to celebrate Molly, not my temporary freedom. In the end, I was there for Olga and I was able to be there with Molly too and make some great memories. So despite the internal turmoil, we all had a great weekend.
I was pretty naive to think that becoming a wife and mother would suddenly instill some effortless attitude of selflessness and humility. And I’ve come to realize that that other than the essentials like getting up multiple times in the middle of the night to feed a hungry baby, the other acts of self denial don’t come so naturally. But I guess it’s not supposed to be easy, that’s why motherhood is considered an ascetical discipline.
On a brighter note, Olga was baptized this past Sunday! So many friends and family came, it was beautiful! Of course the little Snort cried for almost the entirety of the sacrament haha oddly enough when I handed her to Ginny (she’s her sponsor/godmother) she calmed down immediately as we walked around the font three times. I wish you could’ve been there! Watching the babies get baptized is so sweet but also very entertaining.
I could keep babbling on and on about house projects, new exercise routines, Montessori work, recipes etc but my brain has some catching up to do. As I mentioned earlier (I think) that I’ve been doing things before thinking about it too much so I don’t have time to talk myself out of doing tasks that need to be done. It’s been working out well, especially during this intense time of sleep deprivation. Night wakings are increasing and I feel like most of what I have to say is incoherent and uninteresting so I’ll save anything useful for a time (hopefully) soon that I can articulate on reasonable level. But good things are happening over here even though I’m functioning in fog most days, but I know it won’t always be like this.
-Lydia